There are very few things in life that really give me joy. One is photography. There's something special in the satisfaction of a moment, captured perfectly and spontaneously. That moment of awe when you see someone elses amazing photo, like the one picture above.
For me, that awe is closely linked with jealousy. I get jealous. Bad. I get jealous of that person's ability to take such a good photo, and I wish it is was me with that skill. I get really jealous when I hear that my friends are learning how to be better at photography than me. I get jealous because they get to have fun and take photos and be awesome. I get jealous because I'm a bad person, and a really bad friend.
I get jealous, I feel mad, then I feel bad. Which makes me sad. because jealousy is bad. Why can't I just very well be happy for my friends? I get sad, because I know that they would be happy for me if it was the other way around. It's because I'm a bad person - I hate not being the best. I always want to be the best. And I get upset when I'm not, and jealous when I watch it happening. It's like watching my rating fall from top of the class to bottom. I'm referring to Chinese. This is worse - its photography for god's sake - get a grip, man. There's something seriously wrong with me. Good people use that jealousy to better themselves. I'm obviously not a good person then. I let jealousy consume me, make me want to FML and whine via blog.
But it still doesn't get rid of my jealousy. It sticks like velcro, like a stupid ulcer in my gum. And then it develops. I'm jealous of one person's height, of someone else's beauty, of another's wisdom, of someone's ability to speak a jillion languages without having to even try. I bash myself metaphorically. But it centres on that first thing. That ugly, stupid darkness that gives me a sinking feeling in my stomache, makes me impatient and angry. It makes me tired and feel like shit.
FML. I'm a terrible person. And I'm still really, really jealous.
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