The moment of darkness is when you realise its more than just a moment

There are very few things in life that really give me joy. One is photography. There's something special in the satisfaction of a moment, captured perfectly and spontaneously. That moment of awe when you see someone elses amazing photo, like the one picture above. 

For me, that awe is closely linked with jealousy. I get jealous. Bad. I get jealous of that person's ability to take such a good photo, and I wish it is was me with that skill. I get really jealous when I hear that my friends are learning how to be better at photography than me. I get jealous because they get to have fun and take photos and be awesome. I get jealous because I'm a bad person, and a really bad friend. 

I get jealous, I feel mad, then I feel bad. Which makes me sad. because jealousy is bad. Why can't I just very well be happy for my friends? I get sad, because I know that they would be happy for me if it was the other way around. It's because I'm a bad person - I hate not being the best. I always want to be the best. And I get upset when I'm not, and jealous when I watch it happening. It's like watching my rating fall from top of the class to bottom. I'm referring to Chinese. This is worse - its photography for god's sake - get a grip, man. There's something seriously wrong with me. Good people use that jealousy to better themselves. I'm obviously not a good person then. I let jealousy consume me, make me want to FML and whine via blog. 

But it still doesn't get rid of my jealousy. It sticks like velcro, like a stupid ulcer in my gum. And then it develops. I'm jealous of one person's height, of someone else's beauty, of another's wisdom, of someone's ability to speak a jillion languages without having to even try. I bash myself metaphorically. But it centres on that first thing. That ugly, stupid darkness that gives me a sinking feeling in my stomache, makes me impatient and angry. It makes me tired and feel like shit. 

FML. I'm a terrible person. And I'm still really, really jealous. 

Across the deep blue ocean, under the open sky, oh my.

First thing's first: I saw a beautiful picture on the ever-so-awesome frankie website that looked JUST like our beloved friend kath. So, without a further ado:

Is it the hair? Or the way she is sitting cross legged, head titled at such an easy going angle, carefully holding a much loved piece of paper scrawled with effortless writing? Or maybe it s the loose, but unique T-shirt, perhaps its the familiarity of the face.

So, this weekend, apart from getting more pumped about exchange that I haven't even gotten into, washing the car, dog (and accidentally for the second day in a row) my hair, finally finishing that never-ending list of maths exercises (we're going to get more tomorrow, I just know it), playing my favourite piece on the piano, listening to the songs of last summer and drinking homemade chocolate and banana milkshake, two things happened:

1. I decided not to go on the music tour.

2. I feel really self conscious saying this, but today was what seemed like the first time forever that I looked at my reflection in the mirror and like what I saw. I know it sounds really obnoxious, but for most of my life I thought of myself as really, really ugly, particularly with really crooked teeth/really ugly braces AND really crooked teeth and today, I felt like they didn't look so bad anymore. And maybe, if my teeth aren't so bad, I don't look so bad. Yeah. You don't have to agree, but that's just what I saw for a while, at least, until I put my glasses on.

I also started getting excited about the future. Small things, like going back to school tomorrow and seeing my friends again, to big things, like getting my braces off (who knows, maybe even this year), going on exchange, and maybe even going to the Big Apple by myself after I graduate. I think I need to write a bucket list.

Oh yeah, and I forgot to mention last post - I went to Glebe Markets last saturday with Audrey and had an awesome time. Bought a brown satchel (not vintage, unfortunately, but it was discounted from a nice lady who sold really cool sunglasses). I was quite disappointed that the main vintage eyewear stall near the entrance wasn't there, as I had planned on buying a new (old) pair of frames. [have been 'eyeing' them for a while, as my current glasses are starting to get old and uncomfortable]. We went to broadway and took a really awesome snap in the black and white booth.

What I have learnt since our group split up: I don't have time in my life for people who don't like me, are mean to me or my friends or don't make an effort to be my friend if I make an effort to be their friend. What really matters though, is that I learn from my mistakes, don't linger in the past, be better to people who DO matter, and never, ever forget who I am, and who my real friends are.

Wouldn't that be nice?

A song for a sparrow

So I haven't been blogging for a while...that's because I've kind of been trying to dig myself out of the massive hole that I have dug myself into, if that makes metaphorical sense. Here's a bit of an update:

• My group split. I understand why my friends also wrote this as opposed to a massive post. It's hard to expand on such ... finality. But you know what? I had seen this happening for quite a while, and for me, it was like waiting for the bomb to go off...holding my breath. Choking.
• Our group (both old and new) wrote poems about our split and mutually offended each other.
• I discovered who my true friends really were. 
• I started swimming.
• I got pumped for exchange. And hyper. 
• I cried over a stupid science project. 
• I made char siew bao with Amanda for Chinese
• I started to experience the joy and wonder of morning maths lessons.
• My confidence and self esteem in Chinese hit rock bottom, and I was reduced to almost-tears in two lessons in the same week. 
• I got motivated by Ms Pang. Big time. 
• I got into debating.
• I got stressed because accidentally buried myself in a metaphorical hole of excess co-curricular activites...again. 
• I accidentally added to my massive self-inflicted hole by accidentally volunteering to write an article for College Crow.
• I withdrew from basketball. 
• I rejected a job. 
• I got depressed about the future. 

yeah. I got depressed about how bleak and dull the future seemed all of a sudden. Basically I had a massive convo with my dad about what all these different courses were like, and everything suddenly seemed awful. Like at one point, I recently aspired to do a Law-International Studies degree. Then my dad told me the reality of studying law (I already knew it was boring though) but most importantly, told me how useless the International degree is. Basically, he said someone who was doing International studies in uni told him that the course is so crap and means nothing that they may as well burn their degree at the end of it. That's just lovely. And then he explained the reality of every other course I was considering, basically saying that you HAVE to take a pro course if you want a job later ie. do accounting, engineering, medicine, dentistry or law otherwise you'll never get a good job. Great. So I figured, if the course I need to is boring anyway, then I may as well choose one that will give me an interesting job. Then dad told me about the jobs. Its like, every single job I have ever thought of is boring, dull or means manipulating people. Except medicine. Oh yeah, and when I said I wanted to be a diplomat or an ambassador or something, he told me that usually only the Prime Minister picks them out of his most trusted ministers, you have to be a politician for a jillion years and then it might happen in your 60s if you're LUCKY. Which is just great. My theory:

When you're young, all you do is try and learn about everything. When you're in high school, everything is about the HSC. In uni, HSC means nothing and everything is about graduating OUT of uni. Then you have to try and get a job. Then everything is about moving up and being more successful in your job. Then when (if!) you get to the top, you retire, and then you DIE. 

Which just makes life sound awesome.