Okay, just as a warning, this post is going to be really deep, man. I’m not joking. Like deep, and meaningful. Not necessarily well-written. The next post defs won't be like this. Now I'm procrastinating. OK maybe I should just get on with it.
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So I guess this is a little bit late since we’re already jiggy in the holidays (soz I’ve been you-tubing today *thumbs up for nigahiga and kevjumba!!).
But anyway.
If we take ourselves back to the last 10 (? 11?) weeks, I think we can definitely agree its been one hell of a term.We survived two year eleven maths tasks. We became role models for year sevens. We took ourselves through the exchange process and a million other things.
But something that I haven’t really thought about for a while is that our group split. And I haven’t managed to stop and think about things since, I haven’t let myself get caught up in emotions and memories, but now that I have some time to myself, by myself, it’s all catching up.
Because at the time, I didn’t allow myself to look at things differently. I stubbornly refused to see any of good times that we had as a group of 16, our “asians plus one point five” group. I didn’t want to get hurt, and I didn’t want my friends to either. So I stopped caring, and “moved on” before it was even over, to the point that I was relieved when it was.
So what does this have to do with anything? Recently my computer has been verging on running out of data space, and I have sorted through useless files and deleted ugly photos. Just then, I scrolled through two big folders from last year, before everything changed.
It was a sleepover with four people. Flipping through those photos, I gradually transformed to flinching at the sight of familiar faces to laughing at the good times, then finally feeling a bit of a pang at what used to be. Which sounds very sentimental, but that’s just how I felt.
Taking myself back to innocence, those four people were some of my most trusted and close friends. And that was truly one of the most fun times I have had, and haven’t felt that overwhelmed with happiness for a long time. Making pancakes, playing Scattegories and the other game that I can’t remember the name for, cartwheeling on bindi-infested grass and marvelling at a city skyline at night…these are activites that I know I will never repeat with those people. And it makes me sad, because you guys really gave me joy, and I don’t know where it went.
Somewhere along the way, somethin happened. People change. And that’s not a bad thing – don’t get me wrong. It’s a human thing. Lives go on. Friendships crack and “turn to dust”. We watch each other get hurt. We get angry. We laugh. We cry. We steal things. *okay that was just a Jason Mraz reference…no relevance soz*
What is it that I’m trying to say? I don’t know how to put this down in words. It’s a feeling. A sense of loss. But without feeling incomplete. It’s sad, definitely. We went through some amazing times together. We made countless memories and shared a thousand smiles, laughs, inside jokes. I will never forget that. But I don’t miss it. I just…feel grateful.
So we “split”. Life went on. Only now that I’m bringing it up (soz) can we even remember anything even happened. And thanks to that, I’m getting to know my friends more and more each day. And I don’t need to worry about pleasing anyone anymore.
I actually do hope that sometime soon, we can all be big enough to stop being awkward, stop judging each other, caring about what “she said” and just being awkward. This goes for everyone. So we split. That doesn’t make us “enemies”. That doesn’t mean we have to look really hard for insults inside every meaningless statement. Chinese doesn’t have to be a battlefield. Are we not mature enough to just not get all worked up over petty exam marks and stupid credit points? Intimidation doesn’t get anywhere. Healthy competition doesn’t have to be an obsession. JO IS NOT YOUR SWORN RIVAL. We all need to grow some thick skin. Like scales, maybe. Can we not remember that less than 6 months ago we were “besties”.
Okay, maybe not “besties” but we were at least friends? How did friends degenerate to enemies? We’re just people. We’re not out to get you. Let go, guys.
So for anyone reading this who understands, I don’t know if you know what I am trying to say. But I guess it doesn’t matter. Because I said it, and that’s all that really matters. It’s late, but it’s out there. And Kath, you were right all along.
I want to say that I don’t hold anything against anyone. One time not so long ago we were friends. I make my peace.
So long, and thanks for all the fish. J
Now so long, Marianne, it's time that we began
To laugh, and cry, and cry, and laugh about it all again.
